Metal Gear Solid: Peace Gobbler
by Mister Takeda
Summary: Love proves hard to find, especially for a man without legs. Meanwhile, Big Boss copes with the loss of his mentor, and Kazuhira copes with the side effects of a wanton life.


A single trail of tears ran down his cheecks, soaking into his scraggly beard. Naked Snake remembered the day he put a bullet through the brain of the only person who cared for him, who trained him, who tortued him every day to make him strong, who made him do unspeakable things, who taught him everything he knew, who taught him how to be a soldier.

"Boss.." Naked Snake put his hand on the cold stone. "I've come to talk to you. I.. I miss you. The day I shot you, it was like I shot my whole world. Why did you make me do it? Why, mommy, why?!"

Big Boss fell to his knees and sobbed. Nearby, a black family shot him an evil eye. Naked Snake shook violently, beating his fists against the tombstone. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair!

"I never should have been given this title. I should have died on the battlefield that day. But something just wouldn't let me. Now I've got to live with the pain. Unless.."

Naked Snake put the barrel of his Colt M1911 Opperator in his mouth. The Black family ran screaming. Snake winced. "Mother!" he muttered through the barrel of his gun.

*BANG*

A distant voice filled his head. Was this God? "Snake, what have you done? You've created a Time Paradox!" The voice seemed urgent, but quickly faded. Snake found himself exiting the bus that brought him to cemetary. "Not again," he thought.

Huey Emmerich stomped through the Japanese heritage festival, leaving carnage in his wake. His cyberlegs terrified the simple Japanese festival goers, instead of wowing them and earning their admiration, as he had hoped. Rage seized him and he wept manly tears as he crashed through the information kiosk.

"Radiation took my legs, but your judgement, your intolerance, has taken my heart!" No one heard him. "I tried to use my genius for good, and look what happens! How am I suppose to find a superior Japanese waifu to carry on the Emmerich line when everyone runs from me?! I'm a monster! Damn you, father!" Huey's weak arms beat against the remains of an weapons rack, knocking cheap, souvenir katana to the floor.

* * *

"What do you mean, I've got late stage Syphilis?!" Kazuhira Miller shouted at the base doctor.

"It's true, boss. You're beyond help. I'm sorry."

Master Miller brought his fist down on the examination table, sending an assortment of different suppositories tumbling to the floor. "Damn Costa Rican whores! I never should have done it." He smiled, slicking back his golden mane. "Oh well!"

"Uh.." The doctor gazed up at the the base commander.

"No. It's fine. I've got other things to worry about. Give me some of these." He hurried a few of the loose, bullet shaped pills into his pocket and left.

* * *

The helicopter landed on Mother Base. A crestfallen Big Boss set foot on Mother Base. Mother.. the word filled him with sadness. He was unsure why he named it that. Probably Kaz's idea. Kaz had a lot of bad ideas. He stopped caring a long time ago. His depression made it hard for him to run a private army, and Kaz, despite his failings, was an enormous help to a broken war hero trying his hardest to prop of his image as a military genius.

"Genius? I shot my mommy. They made me do it. Then they pinned a metal bird on my shirt. That made me angry and I left." Big Boss thought to himself. "I wish I could die, but something prevents it from happening. That's why I am the greatest soldier, because I cannot die, only envy those I send to their deaths in battle. I hope we're having meatloaf tonight."

* * *

Kazuhira masturbated furiously into the steaming pot of green beans infront of him. "If I can't have my vision, no one can!" he said aloud.

"Wow, boss. Are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Meathook, one of Mother Base's mess cooks.

"Don't worry about it. And stop moving. I can barely make out the centerfold when you move."

"Sorry, Master Miller." Meathook steaded the magazine for his superior officer.

* * *

Huey adjusted the servos on his cybernetic legs. He was a mechanical genius, inventing techology in the 70's that would be considered cutting edge decades later, but he was never too good with the ladies.

He tried his luck with the brilliant computer scienist, Dr. Strangelove, but interpreted her sarcasm too literarly. At least it gave him the iniative to walk again, with the help of his cyberlegs.

He cursed the atomic bomb for ruining his love life.


End file.
